Saturday, March 13, 2010

What's Next? I Don't Know

In medical school we are often told that it is OK, as a medical student, to say "I don't know". Follow it up with a little "I will find out" and a sprinkle of smile and you are all good. This practice works well when a patient asks you about how the moon's position around earth could affect her health and well-being. However, you can't say "I don't know" during the big bad exam and expect to be given a pass. As such, as most of you know, I missed passing Step 2, again, by about 3-4 points (I've blocked it out of my mind and can't remember whether it was 3 or 4).

While failing is a disappointment, this time, it was almost freeing. I did the best I could, the absolute best. I studied, did practice questions, and worked on trying to finish the test on time since I am a fairly slow reader. When I opened that score sheet, however, I still managed to miss passing by a hair. But, I discovered peace from it.

For the first time in my recent memory, I have no plans. Well, sort of. I DO plan on taking the test over again in June, but it is too late to make the "Match" for a residency starting this summer. In other words, I won't be starting the next phase of my "Doctor" training in lock-step with my previous "plans". I will have, essentially, nothing to do! And weirdly, rather than be terrified, I'm quite excited about it!

When I finished 8th grade, I already knew where I was going for high school. When I finished high school, I had a couple months but then it was straight to College. When I finished there, I literally had a week or two to pack up and move to NYC for the summer and from there to Baltimore. When I finished teaching, I shipped my stuff home, packed up, and moved right again to the Caribbean. Got home from there and these last two years I have been a vagabond, living in basements, other people's bedrooms (thank you Yal's), hotels, and even friends' living room pull out sofas (thank you NK). I have explored Queens, Staten Island, Fresno, Los Angeles, Grand Rapids and now back in Brooklyn.

My entire life, when people have asked me what I'm doing, I have had an answer for them. And now I won't and I feel so liberated!

I know God has a plan for me and somehow all these trials and tribulations fit into that plan. I am being made into the person He needs me to be for whatever He needs me to do to make this world, or my sphere of influence within it, a better place. And I do know that at some point, I will pass this test and the test that comes after it and I will do a residency somewhere that teaches me superbly and I will make an excellent Physician and help my patients holistically.

But in the meantime, if you want to know what's next, the answer is I don't know. I don't know! But whatever it is, I'm gonna keep enjoying this crazy and wild ride.